My wife is making her blog. She is probably better than me. I think I will continue writing throughout my life, but I guess I want it to be somewhere else. Somewhere like my journal or in a letter to my daughter. I don’t know anyone here and to be perfectly honest don’t care about any of you, no offense intended. I’m just going to write letters to my daughter and when she is older I’ll give them to her.
coming swiftly. In a moment of idle thought today I worked out how many days I had left if I made it to 80. I have 21,993 days left. My wife thinks that expecting 80 years is pessimistic. I don’t think it is. Now I’m left to work out how I spend these days. If I could stock pile unused time in a savings account to use near the end of my life I wouldn’t do it. I don’t know how to save money, much less time. My wife thinks I shouldn’t bother myself over how I spend my time; a bucket list is healthy, but striving to color each day’s schedule with cosmic meaning isn’t worth the effort.
I also asked my wife what the top five on her bucket list were. Here they are in order.
No. 1 To have a large family. Preferably with 12 children.
No. 2 To see as much of the world as possible.
No. 3 To finance normal life and such adventures comfortably.
No. 4 To live on a beach.
No. 5 To start our family’s own holiday traditions.
When I asked her she said this top five wasn’t going to change.
My top five are
No. 1 On my deathbed, to be at peace with what I did up to that point.
No. 2 To see as much of the world as possible.
No. 3 To write beautifully and meaningfully for a career.
No. 4 To love my family so that I can help them, to have many good relationships, and to be true to my humanity.
No. 5 To publish writings that last beyond my death.
I often worry that I am living wastefully – that I am not doing things that matter. I also find myself in moments of happiness because life hasn’t handed me the bristly end of the stick yet. Eventually it will. Many deep thinkers have been mistakenly understood as insecure people. I think most of the “insecure” people are just intelligent. Life has tricked many; to me, it’s the people who recognize when they’ve been tricked who eventually do something that helps humanity. Confident people are the stupid ones, but that isn’t always the case. It’s always a good skill to know how much salt to mix in your judgment of a person. Everyone needs at least a grain.
After you’re dead, you won’t care about anything that you did while living, but the people who outlive you will either have better lives or worse ones because of what you did. That is why life is so serious. Almost every thing that I do will affect people who are alive today or will be alive tomorrow. It’s responsibility and guilt that haunts me every day. But, I know that I would be more annoying than inspiring if I took each moment so seriously. In the end it is probably wise to treat each diminishing day as seriously as Jim Carrey, and as comically as the holocaust.
Dear readers, I will be posting in smaller increments than four months at a time from now on. I’m sorry. I have been changing and evolving and doing more reading and living than writing. I thought for a small while that I wasn’t intended to write (whatever that idea meant), and didn’t write anything hardly. I at least tried not to. I don’t write very well because I don’t write much. This blog is a way to practice. If it were a way I could boost my ego it would have failed very obviously, for I only have about twenty followers and I’m almost sure they don’t know they follow me. Regardless I will continue to hiss with the rest of the white noise on the internet and hope I hiss in an entertaining, honest, intelligent, self-aware, and forthcoming way.
It betrays me to say that I don’t typically like clubs. Clubs in the other sense rather than the sense in which one refers to “clubbing”. I believe this dislike arises from my experience in group identity becoming a gossip game in which I would ignore some people and listen to others, all the time defending my own brittle clique regardless of it’s actions. The Mayor of my town is an elder of a Presbyterian church that I used to go to (I still stand as a member) . I also had a physical trainer who happened to know a bit about this elder/mayor figure. This physical trainer was involved in town affairs and attended each town meeting. During one of these meetings it was noted by my trainer that the Mayor said very inappropriate things during this documented but unbridled public forum. The Mayor said some insensitive things and also made a false accusation of this man during this meeting. I remember the timidity with which I began friendly conversation with my trainer for weeks because of my affiliation with the Mayor which overshadowed what I held to be true. In the same way, I find it impossible to have rational discussion when all involved are merely speaking for their herd. Democrat and Republican and all other parties (herds)- these distinctions should not be made. It is not acceptable for the representers of America to assemble as a mob.
People encrypt files such as email and instant messages if they don’t want big corporations, hackers, scammers, and other people seeing their personal messages illegally. And oh yeah, the NSA too. I looked into email encryption and found out that it only works with people who have encrypted email, and is a painstaking process. It is grossly unjust that I have to go through such bullshit so that I can have a fucking chance at having a smidgen of privacy. I understand hackers and people like that. They get punished when caught. The NSA intercepts and fingers through a billion (literally) of US citizens’ full-length phone calls and texts as well as reads millions or more emails and instant messages in a month’s time, and when found out, gets a fucking slap on the wrist, and off they go back into their disgusting corner. One hacker could get jail time.The NSA does it on a national scale on American Citizens and doesn’t get any type of punishment? Think about this one: The US Government fucks up again and again, gets caught red-handed breaking laws and trampling over people’s rights and even blatantly killing innocent people over and over and over and nothing- nothing- happens. Hits the press, gets fussed about in public, and goes to some white-haired shit heads in Washington who did it in the first place. No punishment is enacted- ever- unless it is money given to a citizen (who paid the taxes merely get them back merely to pay them again later). The US Government has become the biggest Mafia in the history of modern civilization, and it is “legal”, meaning unpunished and unchecked. The NSA is a quintessential example of how you are butt raped and used daily without consent by the people who’s only job is to protect you and maintain basic peace. Fuck them.
The bull walked out the door
The muleta fell to the floor
The mail came back with a check
The man is no longer poor.
The effort with which he toiled
The sweat with which he sweated
Is all under the soil
That’s what everyone betted.
No longer will he fight
No longer will he run
No longer will he struggle
All his work is done.
The man is dead
Hollow is his head
Anything to dread.
Though gravestones lie
And movements stop
And people die
Beauty never rots.